It Burns! It Burns!!!

January 17, 2011


Well, here we are, another Monday and all five of my readers are back for more. Gods how I wish that weren’t a tired repeat of an old joke that wasn’t funny twenty years ago when the first guy to make it did so. In all seriousness (Oh wait! He was being funny before! Now he’s being serious. Right. Duly noted. Carry on.) there’s something important I want to talk about today. Two things actually. First is the schedule of this blog. Mondays are going to be Op Ed Day. Wednessdays will be Review Day. That was my wife’s idea actually and, as evidenced by the fact she married me she’s got more than your average portion of good sense.

The second thing is today’s topic. Nerd Funk. And no, I don’t mean some geek at a gaming con spending his days pretending to be Bilbo Baggins and his nights tearing it up at the club to the bumping sounds of George Clinton. I mean stank. I mean B. O. , reek, rank, odor, ordure, oh-dear, fetor, maldor, miasma and sudoresis. Actual word, sudoresis. Here’s a link to the dictionary definition . Means to sweat profusely. This

is called soap. If you get it wet and rub it on your body you don’t smell like a homeless person took a dump in your hair! It comes in a wide variety of brands, scents and colors. You can get organic soap. Vegan soap. Soap in a whole variety of geek-friendly shapes including Ninetendo Wii and Ps3 controllers. You can actually get your game on and get clean at the same time! Don’t we live in a golden age?

They even make soap that smells like pumpkin pie! And it’s shaped like actual pumpkins! How cool is that? If you want to walk around smelling like pumpkin pie all day you can! Check it out!



Now, why am I bringing this up? Because sadly one of the clichés about people in our hobby is we don’t wash. What’s even more sad is all too often it’s true. I’ve been going to conventions for years now and poor personal hygiene is so endemic they actually have to include admonitions to bathe once a day in the welcoming literature.

Did you know that some cons actually include bars of soap in their goody bags and keep bottles of Febreeze on hand to cut down on the smell? That image at the very top of this article? An actual shirt designed by industry icon John Kovalic.  What the hell people!

And it’s not just the conventions either. It’s in the gaming stores. It’s on the street! It’s frigging disgusting is what it is! Seriously ladies and gentlemen it’s not that difficult. You simply block out fifteen minutes a day to go into a special little room in your house that looks something like this


cover yourself in hot soapy water, rinse off, rub a towel over yourself and you’re good to go!

Now please understand. I am not ripping on all gamers here. Just the stinky ones. The non-bathers. And I admit, I’m not perfect myself. I’ve been known to miss a day here and there. But if you sit down to play a game with someone and they have to hold their breath because the last time you got wet was when it rained outside you’re part of the problem. Ditto if your hair stays in place due to what appears to be styling product and you’re not using any styling product!

Maybe you think it’s not a big deal. Maybe you think you’ve got better things to do. Maybe you think you’re too busy or are short on cash or that you don’t need to conform to society’s expectations or what’s the point because it’s not like you have a girlfriend to impress or anything. Well I’m sorry but it is a big deal. There are millions of gamers out there and it isn’t fair when those of us who wash regular get put in the same used-kitty-litter-smelling box as the ones with gray skin, greasy hair and a ten foot forcefield of olfactory ick repelling humanity like a wave of heat from a five hundred degree oven.

This goes double if you smoke. My wife is a smoker. I love her to pieces. She is, without question, the best thing to ever happen to me. She smokes and she doesn’t stink. That is because she has a longstanding, very friendly relationship with hot water, soap and shampoo. Those of you with a fondness for Vitamin N may not be aware of it but it is readily apparent when you’ve had a cigarette. I’m not going to rip on smokers because A)The nice lady who cooks all me meals is one and B)This isn’t about that. It’s about poor personal hygiene.

If you smoke you need to wash daily daily daily. And brush your teeth for God sake, whether you smoke or not. Ours is a social hobby folks! We spend a lot of time talking to one another from a distance of less than three feet. It kinda ruins the moment when you’re going through the dungeon and you realize that it isn’t the Ancient Red Dragon you need to do a Save vs Breath Weapon against. It’s the team cleric!

And don’t hand me the rest of that nonsense either ok? Better things to do? Like what? Your Magic cards will be there to organize when you get done bathing. Your CrackHammer mini’s will be dry and you can apply the next coat of paint. And the latest episode of whatever sci-fi show those soul-sucking bastards at Fox (this is called foreshadowing kids. Pay attention. You will see this material again!) are currently running with the intent to cancel just when the geek community gets good and hooked will still be on TIVO ready for you to watch. While you paint your minis and your hair dries.

Low on cash? Guys I’ve been homeless and had money for soap! I’ve been didn’t-eat-today-and-tomorrow-ain’t-lookin-good-neither poor and had money for soap. So please spare me that one ok? And maybe there’s a connection between the whole not bathing thing and the whole not having a girlfriend thing. Ever think of that? In my experience girls bathe. I even have photographic proof of it. Behold!


See? Actual proof that good looking females congregate in showers and bathtubs! Why, for all you know, there might be a good looking girl in your shower or bathtub right now! Why are you reading this drek for? Go check you fool! She might need help! She might have a friend! They might let you watch!

There are some smoking hot ladies in the hobby fellahs. Beautiful sexy geek goddesses who can hold their own at Magic, WarHammer, Munchkin or Cataan and look jaw dropping gorgeous while they do it. But they generally like guys who bathe and don’t exactly line up three feet deep to kiss men with effed up looking Jack Sparrow teeth. Why is the rum gone! Because I drank it all to numb myself to the open grave stench wafting off your grimy carcass you malodorous turd! And shave your teeth!

And ladies, you’re not immune either. While most geek girls are lovely beyond words and most take very good care of their personal maintenance there have been more than a few I’ve known who figured that overloading on perfume meant they didn’t have to shower. No. It doesn’t mean that. It just means that instead of ass you smell like roses and ass. Or whatever other noxious chemical weapon you’ve chosen to saturate yourself with.

Which brings me to my final gripe about the whole great unwashed thing. I can respect and understand the desire to smell good. Heck, that’s what todays whole conniption fit is about. But there’s a fine between not being able to be around you because you haven’t showered this week and not being able to hang out with you because you overdid it on cologne. Helpful hint folks; those eight ounce bottles of body scent? Not single servings! A quick spritz and you’re good to go. Not spritzspritzspritzspritzspritz .

So please folks, for the good of the hobby. For the good of your love life. For the simple pleasure of not having a homeless person give you money take a lesson from your ol’ buddy  Ernie and keep it clean.


Until next time

Mech out






3 Responses to “It Burns! It Burns!!!”

  1. Kelly Says:

    YES YES YES! Take note!

  2. rosered1200 Says:

    Geekette Squeeee!!! I love my rubber duckie :>

  3. Elsheyin Says:

    MORE!! My guy’s a geek, I”m a geekette… WE WASH… so do our friends. People who do not wash have a much lower chance of making that list! ;p

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